Paul said in Ephesians, “be angry, and do not sin”.
I do not think of myself as an angry person.
However, I have problems dealing with angry feelings when they arise once in a blue moon.
how I dealt with my anger previously
I tended to chastise myself as if the feeling of anger is on its own a sin. I would wish and wish that my anger would go away so that I would feel at peace again.
Just by feeling angry, I feel as if I have sinned.
this made it extremely stressful recently this year wheny kindness was exploited and manipulated by another person. Once I realized this had happened, I felt extremely angry, disgusted and revolted, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
what happened to make me angry
This year, an ex-friend of mine who had lost his mother, I will call him RA, manipulated me through pity plays, sob stories, theatrics, lies, and empty threats of suicide — all of which led me to great anxiety and sleeplessness for many nights.
Later on, when I shared my incredible stress with mutual friends, one of them a woman I will call SH laughed it off, and said she had just spoken to him and he was perfectly fine.
I couldn’t believe it and I thought maybe there was a misunderstanding, because only last night had he threatened to kill himself via many texts to me.
So I screenshotted the shocking things he sent to me, and sent them to her — she laughed, waved it away and said this is just what he is like.
I was so shocked and angry.
I realized I had been fooled and bamboozled by a skilled liar, manipulator and covert narcissist. I realized that this he had callously exploited my kindness for his own ends.
If I had not shared my stressed with my friends, I would never have known. And I would have been stressed beyond belief endlessly. While he was apparently just perfectly fine.
What manner of evil is this?
What kind of a person does this to another?
Later when I studied narcissism in greater detail, I found out that this is common among them, especially the middle mid-range type B narcissist (also called the crybaby or martyr narcissists). Thank you HG Tudor!
These people weaponise displays of vulnerabilty and tears, they repeat sob stories, cry woe is me, and even use the death of their own loved ones (my ex-friend RA, a middle-aged man, wailed, sobbed and shouted in public over the coffin of his late mother during the funeral.
I still remember him wailing over her dead body “who will feed me now?!?”.
I felt enormous pity for him during her funeral.
It was only much later that I realized how strange, unusual and unnatural it was.
People who grieve the loss of a close loved one do not do this. They put on a brave face during the funeral because those in attendance are many and not all are close friends and family. They do not seek to draw attention to themselves. They do not wail and cry loudly, shouting in public how woeful they are. They are just hanging on politely, waiting for the funeral to be over. It is only when they are in private do they let their emotions out and cry freely (not in public). I say this because I have enough experience with loss.
Hence, I can now conclude that his theatrics were just that, a theatrical display and a wild performance, and it was done to get a particular result for himself. Endless sympathy, pity and guilt from those of us who were unfortunate enough to have attended.
It also served to make the kind-hearted who reached out to him after the funeral to feel responsible for taking care of his emotions, and guilty should they ever fail to comply. Yes, me included.
While I was also grateful for SH for revealing his true colors, she also at the same time derided me for having been so affected by his empty threats of suicide, as if I should have known better.
Much later on, I realized I was angry with SH as well.
Because SH will later repeat this pattern again and again, as i was not RA’s only victim, no, this man had also (and still is) exploited the kindness of another one of our friends NE.
When NE shared her own frustrations with RA, SH responded by scolding her and saying she should just ignore it and not keep thinking about it (i.e. blaming the victim, and protecting the abuser and manipulator).
I believe among our group of friends only NE and myself understand each other. I am not too worried about NE as she is a strong-minded woman. and I believe the truth will always come out eventually.
Luke 12:2:
“Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.”
The enabler and protector of evildoers carries the sin as well
SH has never once rebuked RA for manipulating and exploiting us, but she has freely rebuked us for being affected by him.
I don’t understand this kind of person at all.
I now understand that narcissists usually have enablers around them (referred to as flying monkeys).
These flying monkeys are the people who protect them at all costs, so that the narcissist can continue to do harm and not face any consequences.
Oh what a sin this is!
I believe that RA’s sins are now tied to SH as a result.
What he has done and what will continue to do to others, will also be borne by her.
Isaiah 5:20: “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness…”
The biblical consequence of calling an abuser “good” and a hurting victim “wrong” is a warped conscience. Over time, enablers will lose the ability to see truth clearly.
Proverbs 17:15:
“He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous are both alike an abomination to the Lord.” When enablers gaslight (condemning the righteous) to protect the narcissist (justifying the wicked), Scripture states God detests both actions equally.
I will not sin against them
I have never confronted RA or SH and I don’t plan to. I don’t believe that they will be swayed no matter what I say.
And to be honest I also can’t be bothered.
And I am still in contact with and friendly with SH. I do not expect empathy or understanding from SH, I see now that will be a waste of time.
I am leaving her to God. Only God can handle this.
However as for RA, I have distanced myself successfully by not replying to his texts promptly.
The last text he sent me was to hoover me, and I took three long weeks to reply politely.
This worked well to frustrate him and he has given up on texting me.
And since I have long deleted his number, I will not be texting RA either.
Our line of communication has now ceased permanently.
Hallelujah!
After I had distanced myself, the anger remained
however distance did not resolve my anger towards him.
I struggled with it for a couple of months. I tried to forgive. I asked God for help. the anger just kept coming back. I would replay what he said to me, I would blame myself for being so stupid as to believe him.
I blamed myself for still being angry, and I felt myself to be a failure in the eyes of God. This created distance between me and God.
I tried to pray for him, believing that this would soften my heart and remove the anger completely. it did not work.
why it didn’t work
later on by the grace of God, I finally understood why my attempts at forgiveness and prayer didn’t work.
I hadn’t let myself be fully and completely and freely angry.
I never named fully what he did to me and why it was wrong. I only had a vague idea of having been exploited and violated, but I couldn’t explain why because I never let myself sit with it long enough. Instead I had pushed it down.
and thus the anger remained
because I was skipping an integral step.
Be Angry.
by don’t letting myself be fully angry and fully naming what he did to me, and what S also did by dismissing and blaming me, I could not move on to the next step of forgiveness in honesty.
I was trying to rush myself to the end, because subconsciously I believed that anger was an ugly and sinful feeling.
I was wrong.
what finally worked
I let myself be fully angry.
the anger was in my body. I could feel it. I could feel it in the tension of my body and muscles.
and so out of my body it had to go.
I got ready some soft squishy pillows and piled them on the bed, and I took a few deep breaths, I called to my mind just how angry I was and why, and I started punching.
I punched and I punched and I punched.
I pictured his face on the pillow and I screamed curses out occasionally. I continued to punch until it was all over.
I felt exhausted after, but good otherwise. And I was sweaty so I took a cold shower.
I went about the rest of my day normally.
what happened the next day
The next day my arms were sore, but my heart was light again! and my mind felt unburdened.
I realized I had stopped having the same angry thoughts looping over and over. it had exhausted itself. the angry thoughts no longer felt so sticky or heavy.
they did not loop again and again.
when I had another angry thought, it fizzled out and ran out of energy pretty quick.
and when before I was struggling to get rid of my anger, and this guilt had made me feel separated from God, now I felt the same closeness to Him again.
when I thought about the ex-friend who manipulated me now, there was less anger, but instead there was disgust and repulsion. I do not believe that he will change as narcissists very rarely do. They mostly get worse with age. I was glad to already be rid of him.
no forgiveness yet but it’s coming
I have not yet forgiven him or S.
I know I must, and I know I will.
however I’m going to allow myself to take my time. I will forgive when my heart is ready. I will pray for them when I’m able.
and if the old angry feelings come up again, I know just what to do. pull out the pillows 😅
I will not sin against them, I will not take revenge, I will give them to God.
Their evil works are more than what I can bear or understand. But I know one who can do both easily.
if you are struggling with angry feelings, perhaps you can try what I did. if you don’t feel the need to get physical, perhaps screaming might help. or writing it down. you know yourself best, where do you feel the anger? is it in your body like mine was (try punching pillows, physical movement or exercise), is it in your brain (try writing it down in a letter), is it in your throat like something is stuck there (try screaming)
be angry.
and do not sin.
Thank you Paul, and thank you God for the words of wisdom.
Amen.